Jokes about Animals

Stories about animals are often stories about us, human beings.


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- How to distinguish a bull from a cow?
- When you milk the bull, it smiles.

It was late spring. It was hot, but it also rained often. The vegetation took advantage of this favorable situation and everything was beautifully green and fragrant. A tired old dog walked into my yard. From the necklace and the well fed belly I saw that he had a home and was well cared for. He calmly approached me and I patted him on the back. Then he followed me into the house, walking slowly down the hall. He curled up in a corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he walked over to the door and I took him out of the house. He is gone. The next day he came back, greeted me in the corridor, entered and took his place in the corner, still sleeping for about an hour. This was repeated for several weeks. Out of curiosity, I inserted a small piece of paper to his necklace with the following message:
-I would like to know who owns this wonderful dog and ask him if he knows that the dog comes to me every afternoon to take a nap?
The next day the dog arrived again, with another note attached to the collar:
-He lives in a house with six children, two of whom are under three, so he tries to get some sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow too?

A black man walks into a bar with a huge colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks at the parrot in amazement and asks:
- But where did you find this wonder?
- In Africa - replies the parrot.

A little mosquito, after her mother's advice, embarks on her first flight. At home, after ten minutes, the mom asks:
- So, my dear, how was it?
- Very good, everyone applauded me!

In a circus, a young lion is waiting for his first performance. Very nervous he asks his father:
- Father, what are all these humans doing here?
- Don't worry son; they are behind the bars.

A man walks a snail on leash and meets one his friend. Friend tells him:
- What a beautiful snail you have.
- I had one more beautiful but it escaped.

A panda walks into a bar, goes right to the counter, grabs a sandwich and after having eaten it he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the bartender. Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out. Everyone in the bar is sitting all speechless and petrified but suddenly someone breaks the silence:
-What a hell was that?!?
Comes a sorrowful voice:
-It was a panda.
-Perhaps you don't know what a panda is... It's a mammal that eats, shoots, and leaves.

- How hedgehogs mate?
- Carefully, very, very carefully!

- The life is full of surprises, tells a hedgehog, and gets down from a brush.

- What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
- To get a diarrhoea!

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
- What happened to this one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

It's hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.

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