Yesterday I called my family doctor:
- Excuse me doctor, I wanted to ask a professional person: when does this pandemic end?
- Excuse me, Mr. Smith, but I don't understand politics.
Two old women:
- Yesterday evening, in front of my house, in the dark, a maniac stopped me.
- That's what he said.
A little girl writes the letter to Santa Claus:
- Dear Santa Claus, please bring clothes to all those poor girls who are on dad's computer.
Husband and wife chat and she asks:
- I would like to ask you something intimate: what is your erotic fantasy?
He feels a little embarrassed, but decides to answer:
- You know, I imagine making love on a Caribbean beach, with white sand, the palm tree that hides us from the sun and the sound of the waves.
- Beautiful! I like it. Am I above or below?
- You are at home.
Since childhood, during the night I am afraid that there is someone hidden under my bed. After years of suffering, I decided to visit a psychologist. I told him:
- I have a big problem. Whenever I go to bed, I get the feeling that someone is hiding underneath. I'm scared. This has been going on for years, since I was little. I think I'll go crazy in a while.
- I can help you. You have to come to me twice a week and after a year your problem will go away.
- How much will it cost me?
- A therapy lasts one hour and costs 80 dollars.
- I have to think a bit and I'll let you know.
About 6 months have passed since this visit. I was walking down the street when the psychologist recognized me. He asked me:
- Why didn't you come to me anymore?
- You know, 80 dollars twice a week and so for a year, that's a lot of money. A bartender solved the problem for 12 dollars, the cost of the 2 beers.
- But how did he manage?
- He told me to saw off the feet of the bed.
A man talks to his doctor:
- Doctor, I have a very strong desire to live in eternity. What can I do to achieve the goal?
- You have to get married.
- So will I be able to fulfill my wish?
- No, but the desire will disappear.
A gentleman walks into a jewelry shop in the center of London. His wife is having a birthday today and would like to give her a gift. The money at his disposal is not much and for that, after a long
search, he chooses a modest ring. Call the clerk:
- Excuse me, how much does this ring cost?
- One thousand.
- Horror! And this next?
- Two horrors.
- After the divorce, I went back to my wife ... we didn't even succeed in the divorce.
Two friends at a bar counter.
- Usually you are always calm but today I see you in a bad mood. Why?
- Last night, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend and we were attacked by a maniac.
- A sex maniac?
One taxi driver and one priest are at the gate of Paradise. Saint Peter reviews their biographies and first speeks to taxi driver:
- Welcome to Paradise. You have a room in a 5-star hotel, on the top floor with a terrace. The view is beautiful and I hope you will enjoy your stay.
The taxi driver thanked him and left accompanied by an angel. Saint Peter addresses the priest:
- We have reserved for you a common room with 6 beds in a two-star hotel.
Priest protests in disbelief:
- How is it possible? To taxi driver a private room in a great hotel, and to me, who have dedicated my whole life to God and taught people to be God-fearing, a miserable common room.
- You know, we're looking at the results here first of all. While you are praying, people are sleeping. On the contrary, when a taxi driver drives everyone prays and that completely sincerely.
Joe and Jack enter the bar. Joe asks Jack:
- Jack, what are you going to take?
- Same as you.
Joe addresses the bartender:
- Two coffees, please.
- Two coffees for me too.