Jokes about Policemen

The police protect us and make us laugh, so let see what our policeman are doing!


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A lion chases two carabinieri through the city. When they reach the market square, they start chasing each other around the fountain. One of the carabinieri, panting, says:
- I can't run anymore! Let's stop for a moment and rest!
- You are crazy? It will catch up with us and eat us!
- It won't catch up with us; we have a three-lap advantage!

The policeman asks the colleague:
- How do you recognize your twin daughters?
- The brunette has a mole on her cheek, but the blonde doesn't

Two policemen have just arrived at the office. The smarter one asks the colleague:
- How many cookies did you eat this morning on an empty stomach?
- Five.
- No! You ate one on an empty stomach and others on a full stomach.
- That's a good one! As soon as I get home, I will tell it to my wife.
Back home in the afternoon, he waits in the living room for his wife to return.
- Darling, how many cookies did you eat this morning on an empty stomach?
- Four.
- Pitty! If you had eaten five, I would have told you a good joke.

A police patrol receives the radio order to go to a place where a serious car accident has occurred. They leave immediately, at very high speed and after less than 500 m they hit a tree.
One of the two policemen comes out of the car, looks at the front of the car, all wrinkled, and says:
- We never got to the crash site so quickly.

A policeman complains to a woman who parked incorrectly. She defends herself using offensive words. Policeman loses patience and exclaims:
- Madam, I'm sorry, but I have to pay you 50 dollars fine for arguing with an official while on duty.
- Make 100 dollars; I have not finished yet.

A policeman calls the central:
- Boss, the woman killed her husband, he shot him with a gun in the head, then stabbed him a dozen times, cut his penis and threw him in the garbage.
- Jesus Christ! But why?
- She says he walked on the floor she had just washed.
- Did you arrest her?
- Not yet; we wait for the floor to dry.

Two neighbors:
- My car was stolen yesterday.
- Did you go to the police?
- Yes, but they say they didn't do it.

The phone rings:
- Hello, am I speaking with the police station?
- Yes, how can I help you?
- Tell me a joke.
- Sir, we are working here. We don't have time for jokes.
- Ha! Ha! This was so funny! Thank you!

I hate people who takes drugs, especially those from the police and customs officers.

- Why the cops and their dogs face exams separately?
- So the cops can't copy.

A cop finds a monkey long the road and decides to bring it to his boss.
- What should I do with this monkey?
- It's obvious, take it to the zoo.
The next day, while the boss is going home, he meets the cop who is hanging out with the monkey.
- I told you to take it to the zoo.
- Yesterday I brought the monkey to the zoo. Today, I decided to brought it to watch a movie.

Two policemen are going to work:
- Shall we take a bus or walk?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't exist.

Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

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