The best jokes about sex

Sex and sexual activities are the world movers, so let enjoy them either in jokes.


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Two married couples for dinner. One of the males boasts:
- Recently, I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes.
His wife replies:
- That was when we switched to summer time.

Two colleagues in the office speak:
- I heard you got a new girlfriend.
- Yes.
- Is she good in bed?
- Honestly, I don't know. Some say she is good and others say she is not that great.

- Miss, in this form, where it says "sex" you have to write "female", not 3 times a day.

This is the modern fairy tale about Red Riding Hood. On his way to his grandmother's house, in the dense and dark forest, Red Riding Hood meets a wolf. The wolf begins to speak, but the girl takes a gun out of the basket and shoots the wolf who immediately falls dead. At that moment, a handsome prince jumps out of the dead wolf's stomach.
- Red Riding Hood, thank you! You saved my life. To reward you for this immense gesture, I will grant you 3 wishes.
- Oh beautiful prince, looking at you I have only one wish, but you have to fulfill it 3 times.

- What is safe sex?
- When the woman with whom you do this does not know your name, your address and your telephone number.

A woman is complaining to her neighbor:
- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.

A middle-aged couple watches an adult movie. At one point, in the middle of a crowd scene, the wife exclaims:
- Stop, stop the movie! Go back a little... A little more... Stop! See the lamp on that bedside table? I want you to buy me a similar one for the bedroom.

Husband and wife watch a boxing match. He:
- I'm really disappointed. All finished in two minutes.
- Now you know how I feel.

Two women in a bar in the city center. The younger one asks:
- What are you thinking about while making love?
- When I was very young, say 17 years, I thought only of how to hide it from my mother. Later, when I got to 25, I just thought about not getting pregnant.
- All right, I understand. But now what are you thinking?
- Now I look at the ceiling and I think that it should be finally painted.

- You males think only about sex, but we women would like attention.
- Attention, attention: now we will have sex.

- My sexual life is like Coca Cola: once it was normal, then it became light and now it's zero.

A couple make love. She:
- Dear, you are like a mobile phone.
- What does it mean?
- As soon as you enter the tunnel, you lose the signal.

Two women talk about sex:
- Do you tell your husband when you reach the orgasm?
- No, I don't want to bother him while he is in the office.

In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class. Everybody writes except little John. The teacher asks him:
- John, why aren't you writing?
- I'm exhausted because of sex.
- That should not be a problem, write with your left hand.

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Geppetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn't care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Geppetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

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