Black Humor

Jokes that would make cry if they don't make laugh, stories that treat serious arguments in a humorous manner. Black humor is some kind of tragedy that become comedy, but, in each case, this jokes are here to amuse, not to offend anybody. I hope you will like them.


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The man is sitting comfortably in his favorite chair. Beside him, on the glass table, a bottle of beer and a bowl with chips. On television there is the derby between Liverpool and Manchester United. Suddenly her youngest son hastily enters the room:
- Dad, dad, mom fell off the balcony!
The man, without taking his eyes off the television, replies:
- Start crying, I'll be right there.

A guy comes to the library:
- Do you have the book about suicide?
- We had it, but you know, people borrow and don't give back.

A man without a hand fell off a bridge into a river and came out after 5 minutes with a new hand. The rumor has spread throughout the village and so comes a man without a leg, enters the river and comes out with a new leg. A disabled person from the neighboring town, who had been forced to move in a wheelchair for years, heard about these miracles. So he goes into the river with the chair and comes out with a new wheelchair.

A man walks down the street and sees on a balcony a man trying to strangle a woman:
- Hey, what are you doing? You'll kill the woman.
- She's my mother-in-law.
- Incredible how the old witch resists.

Late at night young girl walks through the park. All of a sudden a man attacks her and rapes her several times. As soon as the girl composes herself feeling slightly better she said:
- You have raped me... the least you can do is to offer me a cigarette.
The man obliges and lights the cigarette. In the light of the flame the girl recognizes her father.
- Daddy! How could you do something so horrible?
- My daughter! How long have you been smoking???

In a restaurant, a guest asks the waiter:
- Excuse me, I'm curious: why do you have that little spoon in your pocket?
- For hygienic reasons. If by chance a fly drowns in the dish, I take it with the spoon and not with my fingers.
- Ingenious! Well done! And why do you have that chain attached to your belt that ends up in your trousers?
- You know, this is also for the hygiene. When I go to the bathroom, to avoid touching my member with hands I pull it out with the chain.
- Truly hygienic. And how do you put it back in your pants?
- I push it with a spoon.

- Mom, how is it possible that I can solve the Rubik's cube in a few seconds and other children need a lot more time?
- Because you are colorblind.

A little gypsy returns home shaved to zero.
- Mom, mom, look: I am a skinhead now.
The mother gets very angry and beats him. Half an hour later, dad comes in the house.
- Daddy, daddy, look: I am a skinhead now.
Even the father gets angry, takes the whip that is on the closet and gives him a nice whip. The little gypsy cries and thinks:
- I'm skinhead only about an hour and I already hate gypsies.

One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can't help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don't you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients' eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

- What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
- There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:
- I can not proceed in this way.
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
- We can not proceed in this way.
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
- We can not proceed in this way.
And they dig up the woman.

- How the children from Chernobyl count from one to hundred?
- On the fingers!

- Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
- Shut up, and give me more bullets.

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