- Honey, what do you prefer: bananas or strawberries?
- Do you shop at the market?
- No, in the pharmacy.
Two colleagues in the office:
- How did it end the fight with your wife?
- She came crawling to me.
- And what did she say?
- Get out from under the bed!
The husband comes home in the late afternoon. His wife looks at him suspiciously and asks him:
- Have you been drinking with your buddies at the bar?
- What are you talking about? I didn't drink anything.
- So, say "otolaryngology".
- Okay, I drank.
- I'm not submissive to my wife. If I help with the dishes, she helps me while I iron.
- Join the 3-day challenge. For these 3 days you must say no to alcohol. From 29 to 31 February.
- Darling, what's for lunch?
- The IKEA sandwich.
- What kind of sandwich is it?
- All the pieces are in the fridge and you have to assemble it.
Husband just found out that his wife has a lover and goes on a rampage. He paces up and down the living room screaming. He stops in front of his wife, leaning threateningly towards her and says:
- So, you have to explain to me what he has that I don't have.
- Do you want in centimeters or dollars?
A husband asks his wife:
- My darling, why did you marry me?
- Dear, because you know how to make me laugh.
- And I thought because I'm good at making love.
- Here, see how you make me laugh.
- My wife always prepares the food that melt in my mouth.
- So, she cooks very well?
- No, she does not thaw the food.
A man read the book "How to be the boss in your own home". Finally he decided to stand up for himself. He goes to the kitchen and starts a conversation with his wife:
- From this moment everything will be different. I am the boss in this house and the final word will be mine. Tonight you will prepare me a good dinner and I also want a dessert.
After, we will go in the bedroom to make love. Later you will prepare me a bath with scented salts because I need to relax myself. You will dry my back, massage my feet and hands.
In the end you will bring me my pajama and try to guess who will dress me?
- Those from the funeral pumps!
Husband enters in the house and says hi to his wife. She is very angry:
- Hi? Is this the only thing you have to say? You left house three days ago to buy bread.
- Damn! Bread! I will be right back.
- I'm just a Cinderella for you: I cook, wash, iron, clean...
- I didn't tell you that you will live like in a fairy tale after our marriage?
A doctor gives advices to the patient:
- The situation is serious. You can only eat low fat foods without any sauces, the alcohol is forbidden. Cigarettes, too.
- Can I still make love?
- Yes but only with your wife. You shouldn't get too excited.
After visiting the wife, a gynecologist spoke to her husband:
- Your wife is pregnant.
- Are you serious? We are always having a safe sex.
- You know, it is like in traffic. You are careful, others not.
Two friends at work are having a conversation:
- So, tell me, what did you do last night?
- Don't ask, a disaster. My husband came home from work, he had dinner in three minutes, we had sex for four minutes and the minute after he was already sleeping. What about you?
- Wonderful evening! My husband came home, he took me out for a romantic dinner, after we took a walk for an hour and when we came back home, he switched on candles, we had
one hour of petting, then half an hour of fantastic sex and an entire hour conversation. Everything was perfect!
In the meanwhile, in another place, two friends are having a conversation:
- How was your evening?
- Great! I come back home, the dinner was already on the table, I ate, I had a quickie and I fall asleep. What about you?
- Absolute disaster. I went home after work and there was no light because I forgot to pay the bill, so I took out my wife for the dinner. The dinner was one of those where
you pay a lot and you don't eat nothing, but everything is very arty, so, at the end of the night I didn't have money to pay a taxi and we walked for an hour to get home.
When we arrived obviously there was no light and I started to look for candles, I switched them on. I needed one hour to have an erection, and we had half hour sex because
I was so angry and frustrated that I couldn't come. After, I couldn't even sleep so we had an hour conversation. As I told you buddy, it was a disaster!