Short jokes

Irish quiz question: Will I drink today?
a) Yes
b) a
c) b

- If you give a person a plane ticket, he will fly one day. If you push a person out of the plane while it is in flight, the person will fly to the end of his life.

- What is the name of the device for dilating the pupils?
- Décolleté!

- I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday. He made me try on various glasses for over an hour and in the end he threw me out of his studio, telling me to learn to read.

The daughter asks her mother:
- Mom, did you want a son or a daughter?
- My daughter, I just wanted to tighten the shoelaces.

Two tanned muscular men have a conversation:
- The sun, the sand and the water: what a life!
- Stop the bullshit and keep shoveling the sand into concrete mixer.

- What is claustrophobia?
- The fear of closed spaces. For example, you go to the bar and you are afraid it will be closed.

- Why do hunting dogs have their ears down?
- Because they got tired of listening to all the hunters' stories.

An American:
- We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
An Italian:
- We have Silvio Berlusconi, no wonder, no hope and no cash.

- All is a shitting, except the pissing, but the pissing becomes a shitting if you piss against the wind.

- Why didn't the sailors play cards?
- Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

- Why dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?
- Because the grass tickles their balls!

- What is the difference between the tires Good Year and 365 used condoms?
- 365 used condoms are VERY good year.

- What Bill Gates' wife says him when they make love?
- Bill, you are so MICRO, you are so SOFT.

A group of spermatozoa march. Unexpectedly, the spermatozoon guides stops:
- Stop! Treason! The ass!!!

- Who has invented the love?
- The poor, so they can fuck for free.

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She is expecting triplets.
Very bad: You were sterilized five years ago.

Good: Your wife doesn't talk to you.
Bad: She wants divorce.
Very bad: She is a lawyer.

Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He has a relationship with a whore from the neighborhood.
Very bad: Just like you.

Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very bad: And corrects you.

Good: Your son has a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very bad: With your best friend.

Good: Your daughter has a good job.
Bad: She is a whore.
Very bad: She earns much more than you.