Jokes about Scots

A Scot bought his son new shoes and gives him some advice:
- Take care of these shoes; see how beautiful they are. Take longer steps!

A little Scot says to his father:
- Dad, today I saved 2 pounds because instead of taking the bus, I followed him!
- Great, but if you had chased a taxi you would have saved 10 pounds!

One Scot enters the bus with a very large and heavy sack. The driver approaches him and says:
- Sir, you also have to pay for the transportation of your luggage.
The Scot loosens the bag and says:
- Come out son. However you have to pay!

- At first it was beautiful. He told me that he is from Glasgow and that he lives in Edinburgh. I moved in with him and we started living together. We paid half the rent and the bills. After 2 years I discovered that the apartment belonged to him.

- How does the recipe for the Scottish cake start?
- Go to a neighbor and borrow 1 ounce of flour and 3 eggs...

Two Scots:
- I want to see how good you are at algebra. If you have 20 pounds and I ask you to lend me 5, how many pounds will you have?
- 20!

- What does a Scot do when he is cold?
- He puts a candle next to him.
- And what does he do when he is very, very cold?
- Light the candle.

A Scot comes to the registry office and wants to change the name of his wife. The clerk looks at him with some suspicion:
- Why didn't your wife come to change her name?
- He can't come because she died a week ago.
- But why do you want to change her name?
- I found a very nice second-hand gravestone, at a good price, but the name is different.

A family from Scotland could not finish their food in a restaurant. A father feeling embarrassed says to the waiter:
- Would you be so kind to pack the leftover food; you know, for the dog.
The kids:
- Hurray! We will have a dog!

- When Scots sell the land?
- When there is low tide.

- Why do the Scots rarely buy the refrigerator?
- Because they don't believe that the light inside is turned off when they close the door.

A Scot is about to rent an apartment by the sea. The owner of the apartment tells him:
- The room with the sea view costs 15 pounds more.
- What if I promise I will not look out?

City of Edinburgh, Scotland. Two friends share a beer:
- Yesterday I played tennis with Ally. I'm so tired. I ran all the time.
- I didn't think he is such a good player.
- In fact he isn't but we played with one racket.

A Scot enters in a bus and asks the driver:
- Excuse me, is it necessary to pay the ticket for a flower?
- Sure not.
- Come on Rose.

Two Scots, a father and his son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we'll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.